DA ESSENCE OF ANTÈA

  1. LIFE AFTER GRADUATING AND LEANIN ON MY ROOTS…….

    THIS FEELS SO STRANGE….At times it feels like I don’t know how to do with myself. So many things on my heart and in my mind, I just can’t explain it or figure it out. I wanna do so much but there’s always a hindrance. At times, I daydream about being successful and other times my mind goes blank. The life after graduation is great in the beginning. After that, everything is gettin harder. Too many plans with decisions to make about your life………I don’t know. Trying to do things on my own with parents that really don’t let go of the reins, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. These few days have been totally rough. This is the one time I can literally say and see that I don’t know when I’m comin or goin. Trusting and believing God will show up and out, the human side is gettin so restless and tired. I know my parents and best friends are encouraging along the way but I’m jus tired of hearing no. I’m staying strong and know that this is jus a storm and it will pass. I just wish that I can hear a “yes” to somethin pretty soon.

    IT IS SO CRAZY U KNOW….all my sistahs and brothas see a lot in n for me that I can’t see right now. People seeing things in ur life u can’t see happenin at the apparent time….my sistahs can’t wait to grill “the special someone” that will come along and to see the apt, car and job….my brothas jus waitin to see what’s in my heart on my chest….from Dani, Alyssa, Mimi, Mike, Kev, Will and Rell……I know they got my back regardless and as they tell me everytime “you good or you’ll be fine or i can’t wait for whateva and such and such”. Tyler Perry was extremely right as he said that people can put the category of a tree. I think those 7 are my roots, regardless of what’s going on they strangely know what to say and do to help the problem either go away or at least to stop thinkin about it. All I can say is that it has to be DIVINE DESIGNATION in putting all 7 of these crazy azz people in my life. From roommates to best friends and big little sister; from meeting and talkin randomly to best friend; from bein my big brother’s girl to big sister; my brother’s line brother to my big brother; from complete strangers to little brother; through my best friend; and last but not least complete strangers sharing a class to being the most overproductive big brother I’ve had thats not always around. FROM ALL DIFFERENT SPECTRUMS OF LIFE, ALL HAVE AND ARE HELPIN AND ENCOURAGIN ME IN WAYS THEY MAY NEVER UNDERSTAND. I THANK GOD FOR MY FRIENDS…CORRECTION NOT FRIENDS, BUT CRAZY, PSYCHO, ALCOHOLIC/LUSH, AND CERTAINLY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

  2. ALL THIS DRAMA AND FOR WHAT?

    Why in the hell? All This Drama? Feels like I’m sitting in midst of a dumbass soap opera…..What, Why, How, too many questions but no answers… How and why are friendships and relationships being strained over a new girl? I never thought something so little and, after you think about it, so trivial can destroy friendships. And what’s the point? Nothing. AND WE’RE ALL REAL TRUE FRIENDS. BULL. A true friend is someone who takes you as you are and deal with the issues headfirst, regardless of any drama. And understanding this, FIRST THINGS FIRST, WE AIN’T MUCH OF ADULTS AS WE SAY SO! MYSELF INCLUDED. WE ALL ARE  AFFECTED BY THIS AND FOR WHAT?!!! IN EVERY SITUATION, THERE ALWAYS IS A MESSAGE TO BE LEARNED OR BE GRASPED. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE LEARNING? IF ANYTHING, TRUE COLORS OF EACH OTHER. WE’RE MIDST OF TOWSON’S YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS BUT WITHOUT SOMEONE’S HAVING THEIR OWN BUSINESS. THIS IS CRAZY, FRIENDSHIPS BEING DESTROYED, A RELATIONSHIP HANGING ON BY A STRING, PEOPLE EMOTIONALLY DRAINED, ALLIANCES CREATED, BEING GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION, LIES, CHEATING, DECEIT, AND ALL FOR WHAT, FOR SOMEONE TO BE HURT IN THE PROCESS AND “GAIN SOME EPIPHANY” ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH THE NEXT? …….”I’M NOT TALKING TO HIM CUZ….” ….I WON’T ACKNOWLEDGE HER CUZ….” “I CAN’T STAND………………..” “WE SHOULD………….” “I WANT TO FIGHT THAT…………….” “…WHY DON’T YOU…..” HOW ABOUT THIS: WE ALL LET THE PETTY STUFF AND BRING IT BACK THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE.  IF WE ARE GONNA BE ADULTS, LET’S HANDLE THIS AS ADULTS AND MAKE AMENDS. WE SAY THINGS DON’T BOTHER US BUT IT REALLY DOES. LET’S ADMIT TO THE FACT WE ALL PLAYED SOME PART IN THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL SOAP OPERA AND AT LEAST ATTEMPT TO MAKE THIS A BETTER SITUATION FOR EVERYONE AND STILL BE CORDIAL AND SPEAK? OUR CAMPUS ISN’T THAT BIG AND OUR COMMUNITY IS TOO DAMN SMALL. WE ALL NEED TO GROW UP…………………………..

  3. Going Against the Grain

    Who Am I? Why am I the way I am and why do I act the way that I do? I wonder sometimes, but my thoughts aren’t coming from a complaining aspect, thinking about this realistically. A personal reflection, I might add. Ideally and by society’s terms, I should be and act feminine and prissy. Basically, totally girly. Obviously, I’m not and haven’t been like that for years. Wait, stop, think about it, I was gorgeous for my senior prom. Had everything, dressed to kill, and an attitude to match. But give me credit here, prom was an important event in my life. I had so much fun, but that’s besides the point. However, I have a question: Why is that being a tomboy a bad thing overall? Individually, as I ask my best friends and sisters, it’s fine. But looking at my attire and actions towards people as a whole, it’s a problem. Hell, I’m not your typical chick. I don’t wear tight and form-fitted clothes all the time. I rarely use makeup; however, when it comes to my hair, I will admit, I will and must have my hair look good. I love football more than the average girl and hanging out and chillin with some of my brothers. What the hell is wrong with that? The unwritten stereotype in society is that being a tomboy is wrong. Damn, give me a wife beater, t-shirt, scarf, sweats and some Timberlands, and I’m good. Before, I was always told “no, you shouldn’t act or dress like that because people will have or create their assumptions about you….stereotypes….” or things like this. BUT I’M COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY BEING ME: A BRILLANT, INTELLECTUAL WOMAN THAT DRESSES DIFFERENTLY WITH PERSONAL ISSUES AS ANY OTHER WOMEN I’M GOING AGAINST THE GRAIN I’M NOT AND NOR WILL EVER BE WHAT YOU EXPECT ME TO BE. LOVE ME WITH MY FLAWS OR LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

  4. ~THE WISEST PERSON IS THE ONE THAT MADE THE MOST MISTAKES~

    This transitional period has me in a whirlwind. Being in my last year, I’m going through this strange form of gaining wisdom through several events. Trying to figure out and understand where I stand in any situation is crazy strange. I feel like I’m dealing with another stage puberty, but from an emotional standpoint. My thought pattern is in a confused state.  It’s like I’ve become my mother in the aaspect of taking care of people and trying to be there as a good friend. The scary thing is I’ve told myself over and over again not to do it because I’ve watched how it damn near destroyed and conquered her. I don’t want to, but it feels like I’m following that never-ending pattern that she has. I understand that God has given me a huge heart, but if this makes you stressful, I don’t want it. God, I need your help figurin this out. I know that I must let this go, and give it to you. I wanna know how to.